My husband and his ex-wife have had an ongoing debate on shaving. My stepdaughter wants to shave her legs and she doesn't want her mom to show her because mom is known for her histeronics. Mom thinks this is a "mother/daughter" activity. End of story, after many emails and conversations, stepdaughter shaved at our house because that is where she felt more comfortable. She lives there and has a great relationship with dad and I. That is home.
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Control
Control is defined as "To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct" (www.freedictionary.com). As a stepmom, this is a mechanism I am constantly in battle with. And I am not alone.
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Does sex equal love? Why can't we separate it?
We can all play victim. We start as children when we learn to cry on demand to get older sister in trouble. We use those tears for sympathy from boys and then later men. I mean, the whole damsel in distress...most of us have played it at some point.
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Blurring the line between wife and stepmom...
This is a topic that has come up a lot recently in my life. I am dealing with it with my kids future stepmom. As the wedding nears, she wants to make a "family" with my kids and her soon-to-be husband. Great, I am all for that. But at what point do you cross the line?
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
How do you make someone be a parent?
This past weekend was weekend for our kids to be with their other parents (my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife). Apparently it was also the weekend for opening our mouths and saying stupid, hurtful stuff!
My ex-husband told my kids to leave their ball clothes there and he would wash them and drop them off Monday morning. Well, he didn't. So they didn't have their uniforms for Monday practice, which meant they had to run because that is the rule. He knows he never remembers this stuff! Why not just send it home dirty and I will take care of it! I always do! But no, his soon-to-be wife is always trying to play mom with them. They are almost teenagers. It isn't like being a stepmom to kids who are little or even stepmom to kids who have a crappy mom. They were so mad at him last night.
But not to be outdone...my stepkids mom....who told her oldest son he is the reason she didn't get to go to college. Now, mind you, you pretty much have to be decided by midway through your senior year if you want to go to college out of high school. He was born 16 months after she graduated. Do the math. Unless you are an elephant, you were not pregnant when you decided not to go to college. AND, even if you were, it isn't the kids fault you got knocked up!
No wonder the kid hates his mom. Everything is his fault!
GRRRRRRR!
My ex-husband told my kids to leave their ball clothes there and he would wash them and drop them off Monday morning. Well, he didn't. So they didn't have their uniforms for Monday practice, which meant they had to run because that is the rule. He knows he never remembers this stuff! Why not just send it home dirty and I will take care of it! I always do! But no, his soon-to-be wife is always trying to play mom with them. They are almost teenagers. It isn't like being a stepmom to kids who are little or even stepmom to kids who have a crappy mom. They were so mad at him last night.
But not to be outdone...my stepkids mom....who told her oldest son he is the reason she didn't get to go to college. Now, mind you, you pretty much have to be decided by midway through your senior year if you want to go to college out of high school. He was born 16 months after she graduated. Do the math. Unless you are an elephant, you were not pregnant when you decided not to go to college. AND, even if you were, it isn't the kids fault you got knocked up!
No wonder the kid hates his mom. Everything is his fault!
GRRRRRRR!
Monday, March 24, 2008
A trying stepmom weekend....
This was a difficult weekend to be a stepmom. I have a pretty good relationship with my stepkids mother. HOWEVER, we had vastly different pasts, upbringings, ect. There are times when I have a mouth full of blood from biting my tongue so much. This weekend was one of those times.
My youngest stepson, N, got hurt on Friday. The skids were with their mom for spring break and Easter this year. On Friday, she called and said the skids were staying under the care of her sister while she was at work and N got hurt. So my husband tells her to bring him to us and we will check it out. He has a very deep, jagged gash on his arm. It clearly needs stitches. So she goes back to work and off to the ER we go...
Where N tells the nurse all about what happened. You see, he was playing in the vacant lot next to aunt's house. There was standing water there that came up to his bellybutton. He wanted to get the leaves out of the water and used a rake he found laying around to do so. His eleven year old cousin picked up the rake and THREW IT AT HIM and told him to put it up. It hit his arm and cut it.
Now the million dollar questions....where was aunt during this? Oh, inside...taking a shower! WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me?
My husband calls the ex-wife and tells her, in no uncertain terms, that if her sister is left as sitter again, he will file for supervised visitation. She didn't argue at all...smart move.
So by the time she comes to pick up my stepson, she has talked to her sister who is all "They are just overprotective". Right! And she says, "Well, she is not going to punish the cousin because it was an accident, after all...."
I bit my tongue but when we were alone, I looked at my husband and said, "Are you kidding me?" That child is old enough to know NOT to throw a yard tool at someone. Maybe his intent was not to hurt my stepson, who is all of 6!!! But he did and his action should have a consequence....
The worst part is their mom is living with this sister right now since she is going through a divorce (a whole different story). So their time with mom is with this wonderful aunt too!
I am glad they are home and we don't have to worry about it for a while....
My youngest stepson, N, got hurt on Friday. The skids were with their mom for spring break and Easter this year. On Friday, she called and said the skids were staying under the care of her sister while she was at work and N got hurt. So my husband tells her to bring him to us and we will check it out. He has a very deep, jagged gash on his arm. It clearly needs stitches. So she goes back to work and off to the ER we go...
Where N tells the nurse all about what happened. You see, he was playing in the vacant lot next to aunt's house. There was standing water there that came up to his bellybutton. He wanted to get the leaves out of the water and used a rake he found laying around to do so. His eleven year old cousin picked up the rake and THREW IT AT HIM and told him to put it up. It hit his arm and cut it.
Now the million dollar questions....where was aunt during this? Oh, inside...taking a shower! WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me?
My husband calls the ex-wife and tells her, in no uncertain terms, that if her sister is left as sitter again, he will file for supervised visitation. She didn't argue at all...smart move.
So by the time she comes to pick up my stepson, she has talked to her sister who is all "They are just overprotective". Right! And she says, "Well, she is not going to punish the cousin because it was an accident, after all...."
I bit my tongue but when we were alone, I looked at my husband and said, "Are you kidding me?" That child is old enough to know NOT to throw a yard tool at someone. Maybe his intent was not to hurt my stepson, who is all of 6!!! But he did and his action should have a consequence....
The worst part is their mom is living with this sister right now since she is going through a divorce (a whole different story). So their time with mom is with this wonderful aunt too!
I am glad they are home and we don't have to worry about it for a while....
Sunday, March 23, 2008
About me....
Every day, someone tells me I should write my life down. It is a crazy life. I am a mom of two boys and a stepmom to two boys and a girl. I am a wife. I am an ex-wife. I am a daughter, sister and friend. At the end of the day, I am TIRED :)
So for the past few years, I started journaling. But after a lot of begging (lol!), I have decided to start blogging. I figure, if my life's trials and tribulations can be of help to one person, maybe, just maybe, it is all worth it.
I will post my life, my recipes (cooking is my most favorite thing to do), my successes and failures....who knows, maybe it isn't as interesting as everyone thinks...maybe they are just kissing my butt :)
About me...I am 35. Like I said, I am happily married to my best friend, my husband D. I have two boys from my first marriage that make my world go round....and I got three pretty great stepkids as wedding gifts...lol! My five kids keep me pretty busy.
So for the past few years, I started journaling. But after a lot of begging (lol!), I have decided to start blogging. I figure, if my life's trials and tribulations can be of help to one person, maybe, just maybe, it is all worth it.
I will post my life, my recipes (cooking is my most favorite thing to do), my successes and failures....who knows, maybe it isn't as interesting as everyone thinks...maybe they are just kissing my butt :)
About me...I am 35. Like I said, I am happily married to my best friend, my husband D. I have two boys from my first marriage that make my world go round....and I got three pretty great stepkids as wedding gifts...lol! My five kids keep me pretty busy.
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