Blurring the line between wife and stepmom...

This is a topic that has come up a lot recently in my life. I am dealing with it with my kids future stepmom. As the wedding nears, she wants to make a "family" with my kids and her soon-to-be husband. Great, I am all for that. But at what point do you cross the line?

For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.

I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!

So where is that line....

As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.

But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?

No.

No.

No.

And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".

Where does it end....

Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?

But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....

But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....

And then the bio mom fights back....

I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.

I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.

I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....