My husband and I are on a two year path of making BM own her own mistakes. It is sometimes not easy because, often, when she is making them, it is the children that lose out. We used to rush to make things right for the kids when she would screw up.
But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.
Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.
No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.
My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.
One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Neglect? In the eye of the beholder?
Neglect....such an ugly word. This weekend, I have been reminded of all that is wrong in the world with CPS, DCS or whatever your neck of the woods calls it.
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What can I control?
Last night, as I sat, listening to the crapola coming out my stepkids mouth (and it was crapola), I felt that familiar feeling creeping in. It is usually a mixture of "Is she serious?" with "I want to shave your head and tatoo FREAK" on your forehead....but last night, something hit me. Something I know. Something I saw to myself and others. But I am not sure I 100% believed it before.
I can't control her. I can only control my reaction to her. And I kept saying that over and over in my head. And suddenly it sank in. And I believed it.
Deep down, I want to believe the normal, level-headed person she used to be might return. I want to believe she cares for the kids more than herself. I want her to put them first, not just in the things she says, but in the things she does....
But she won't. And I can't make her.
So I controlled what I could...me and my reaction to her. I sat there, reciting the words to one of my favorite Robert Frost quote, "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."
And I said NOTHING. I didn't laugh. I didn't sneer. I didn't roll my eyes. There is so much I wanted to say, but what would it accomplish.
And I walked away with something that I will always have...my dignity and my husband's respect.
I can't control her. I can only control my reaction to her. And I kept saying that over and over in my head. And suddenly it sank in. And I believed it.
Deep down, I want to believe the normal, level-headed person she used to be might return. I want to believe she cares for the kids more than herself. I want her to put them first, not just in the things she says, but in the things she does....
But she won't. And I can't make her.
So I controlled what I could...me and my reaction to her. I sat there, reciting the words to one of my favorite Robert Frost quote, "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."
And I said NOTHING. I didn't laugh. I didn't sneer. I didn't roll my eyes. There is so much I wanted to say, but what would it accomplish.
And I walked away with something that I will always have...my dignity and my husband's respect.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The great shave debate....
My husband and his ex-wife have had an ongoing debate on shaving. My stepdaughter wants to shave her legs and she doesn't want her mom to show her because mom is known for her histeronics. Mom thinks this is a "mother/daughter" activity. End of story, after many emails and conversations, stepdaughter shaved at our house because that is where she felt more comfortable. She lives there and has a great relationship with dad and I. That is home.
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Control
Control is defined as "To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct" (www.freedictionary.com). As a stepmom, this is a mechanism I am constantly in battle with. And I am not alone.
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Does sex equal love? Why can't we separate it?
We can all play victim. We start as children when we learn to cry on demand to get older sister in trouble. We use those tears for sympathy from boys and then later men. I mean, the whole damsel in distress...most of us have played it at some point.
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Blurring the line between wife and stepmom...
This is a topic that has come up a lot recently in my life. I am dealing with it with my kids future stepmom. As the wedding nears, she wants to make a "family" with my kids and her soon-to-be husband. Great, I am all for that. But at what point do you cross the line?
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)