We all have those days. As a second wife and custodial stepmom and mother to two teenage boys from a previous marriage, my days come often. Whether I am dealing with a crazy ex-wife or filtering through emails I know my kids stepmom wrote, but signed my ex-husband's name....I get those moments...where there is a knot in the back of my neck the size of an orange. My jaw clenches. In my head, I am having the world's biggest fight with whoever irritated me at that moment. I sit down, open email and type out what I have always wanted to say, but never did....
And then I hit delete. I pour it all out and when I hit delete, I let it go. I know, deep down, whoever is irritating me at that moment, me telling them will only make my life more complicated. Like my stepkids mom is going to say, "Oh, you know, she is right....I am a fibbing witch!" Um....no. That email...it is for me, not them. It is to get all those things bouncing around in my head OUT. It is to verbalize and see in writing what I am screaming inside. I take a deep breath and I hit delete.
I once had my husband ask me, "Why write it at all?" I told him, "Remember that time your ex-wife called and we were on a 8 hour trip and for 6 hours, I stewed over everything you argued about and I bit your head off every time you asked me a question?" He said, "Yes....." I told him, "That's why...."
The moral to my story....find your outlet. Any time you are carrying a scorecard for someone, chalking up the wrongs they do, it is more work on you than them. Throw it away. Find your outlet and let it go :)
Showing posts with label ex-wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex-wife. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Marriage is work...don't kids yourself otherwise.
I am going to blow it for all you romantics. There is no happily ever after. There is no magic love that stays there forever, passionate, romantic, intense....It isn't a spell that comes over us and makes us giddy with laughter every day. Birds don't chirp on our windowsills as we sit brushing our shiny golden hair each day. It isn't like that.
Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.
What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)
Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!
Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.
I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.
Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.
What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)
Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!
Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.
I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
What do you talk about in bed?
So, last night, as we were winding down for the evening, my husband and I were chatting about something my oldest stepson had said. For us, it had been a quiet night with my two kiddos, but the stepkids were with their mom, which means a flurry of text messages about the fights, her boyfriend and all the drama over there.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Checking out....without reprecussions
So my stepkids mother informed us that she "may not be taking her entire summer time" this year. It seems sitting at baseball games and taking kids to sports practice is just not her cup of tea. So this got me thinking....
Why is it that if I, as the custodial parent of my two boys, decided I was simply going to check out....not take them to school, feed them, take care of them, see them....my hind end would be thrown in jail without a second thought for neglect or some other charge. But if a non-custodial parent opts to not "exercise" their parenting time, there are no reprecussions. I mean, if we took her to court, the would not even cut back her visitation unless she agreed to it!
So here we sit, not knowing for sure, so we can't make plans for child care. Here we sit, not knowing, so we can finalize a trip we have planned with friends next month. Here we sit, not knowing for sure, so I can't even correctly go shop for groceries, because shopping for 4 or shopping for 7 are two entirely different things!
I want to thump her upside her over-processed, freaky colored red hair and say, "Sorry about your luck" but the reality is, we don't have that luxury. She doesn't pay support. She is not required to take her visitation. And every excuse she makes is an emotional abuse equivalent of a smack across the face.
And no reprecussions....and don't get me wrong....I will happily support my husband in being 100% their parent. He is the parent and I don't have to "do it" for him. I just provide him support through these times.
Maybe that reprecussion will come one day when the stepkids are older and they want to know why. Maybe it won't be until her final judgement day.
I guess we will just have to see.
Why is it that if I, as the custodial parent of my two boys, decided I was simply going to check out....not take them to school, feed them, take care of them, see them....my hind end would be thrown in jail without a second thought for neglect or some other charge. But if a non-custodial parent opts to not "exercise" their parenting time, there are no reprecussions. I mean, if we took her to court, the would not even cut back her visitation unless she agreed to it!
So here we sit, not knowing for sure, so we can't make plans for child care. Here we sit, not knowing, so we can finalize a trip we have planned with friends next month. Here we sit, not knowing for sure, so I can't even correctly go shop for groceries, because shopping for 4 or shopping for 7 are two entirely different things!
I want to thump her upside her over-processed, freaky colored red hair and say, "Sorry about your luck" but the reality is, we don't have that luxury. She doesn't pay support. She is not required to take her visitation. And every excuse she makes is an emotional abuse equivalent of a smack across the face.
And no reprecussions....and don't get me wrong....I will happily support my husband in being 100% their parent. He is the parent and I don't have to "do it" for him. I just provide him support through these times.
Maybe that reprecussion will come one day when the stepkids are older and they want to know why. Maybe it won't be until her final judgement day.
I guess we will just have to see.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Neglect? In the eye of the beholder?
Neglect....such an ugly word. This weekend, I have been reminded of all that is wrong in the world with CPS, DCS or whatever your neck of the woods calls it.
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The great shave debate....
My husband and his ex-wife have had an ongoing debate on shaving. My stepdaughter wants to shave her legs and she doesn't want her mom to show her because mom is known for her histeronics. Mom thinks this is a "mother/daughter" activity. End of story, after many emails and conversations, stepdaughter shaved at our house because that is where she felt more comfortable. She lives there and has a great relationship with dad and I. That is home.
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
Friday, June 6, 2008
Does sex equal love? Why can't we separate it?
We can all play victim. We start as children when we learn to cry on demand to get older sister in trouble. We use those tears for sympathy from boys and then later men. I mean, the whole damsel in distress...most of us have played it at some point.
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.
Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.
Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.
I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.
As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.
I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!
Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)
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