I am going to blow it for all you romantics. There is no happily ever after. There is no magic love that stays there forever, passionate, romantic, intense....It isn't a spell that comes over us and makes us giddy with laughter every day. Birds don't chirp on our windowsills as we sit brushing our shiny golden hair each day. It isn't like that.
Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.
What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)
Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!
Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.
I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.
Showing posts with label Kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kids. Show all posts
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
What do you talk about in bed?
So, last night, as we were winding down for the evening, my husband and I were chatting about something my oldest stepson had said. For us, it had been a quiet night with my two kiddos, but the stepkids were with their mom, which means a flurry of text messages about the fights, her boyfriend and all the drama over there.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Big step last night....
My husband and I are on a two year path of making BM own her own mistakes. It is sometimes not easy because, often, when she is making them, it is the children that lose out. We used to rush to make things right for the kids when she would screw up.
But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.
Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.
No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.
My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.
One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!
But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.
Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.
No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.
My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.
One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Neglect? In the eye of the beholder?
Neglect....such an ugly word. This weekend, I have been reminded of all that is wrong in the world with CPS, DCS or whatever your neck of the woods calls it.
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Blurring the line between wife and stepmom...
This is a topic that has come up a lot recently in my life. I am dealing with it with my kids future stepmom. As the wedding nears, she wants to make a "family" with my kids and her soon-to-be husband. Great, I am all for that. But at what point do you cross the line?
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.
I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!
So where is that line....
As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.
But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?
No.
No.
No.
And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".
Where does it end....
Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?
But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....
But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....
And then the bio mom fights back....
I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.
I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.
I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
How do you make someone be a parent?
This past weekend was weekend for our kids to be with their other parents (my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife). Apparently it was also the weekend for opening our mouths and saying stupid, hurtful stuff!
My ex-husband told my kids to leave their ball clothes there and he would wash them and drop them off Monday morning. Well, he didn't. So they didn't have their uniforms for Monday practice, which meant they had to run because that is the rule. He knows he never remembers this stuff! Why not just send it home dirty and I will take care of it! I always do! But no, his soon-to-be wife is always trying to play mom with them. They are almost teenagers. It isn't like being a stepmom to kids who are little or even stepmom to kids who have a crappy mom. They were so mad at him last night.
But not to be outdone...my stepkids mom....who told her oldest son he is the reason she didn't get to go to college. Now, mind you, you pretty much have to be decided by midway through your senior year if you want to go to college out of high school. He was born 16 months after she graduated. Do the math. Unless you are an elephant, you were not pregnant when you decided not to go to college. AND, even if you were, it isn't the kids fault you got knocked up!
No wonder the kid hates his mom. Everything is his fault!
GRRRRRRR!
My ex-husband told my kids to leave their ball clothes there and he would wash them and drop them off Monday morning. Well, he didn't. So they didn't have their uniforms for Monday practice, which meant they had to run because that is the rule. He knows he never remembers this stuff! Why not just send it home dirty and I will take care of it! I always do! But no, his soon-to-be wife is always trying to play mom with them. They are almost teenagers. It isn't like being a stepmom to kids who are little or even stepmom to kids who have a crappy mom. They were so mad at him last night.
But not to be outdone...my stepkids mom....who told her oldest son he is the reason she didn't get to go to college. Now, mind you, you pretty much have to be decided by midway through your senior year if you want to go to college out of high school. He was born 16 months after she graduated. Do the math. Unless you are an elephant, you were not pregnant when you decided not to go to college. AND, even if you were, it isn't the kids fault you got knocked up!
No wonder the kid hates his mom. Everything is his fault!
GRRRRRRR!
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