We all have those days. As a second wife and custodial stepmom and mother to two teenage boys from a previous marriage, my days come often. Whether I am dealing with a crazy ex-wife or filtering through emails I know my kids stepmom wrote, but signed my ex-husband's name....I get those moments...where there is a knot in the back of my neck the size of an orange. My jaw clenches. In my head, I am having the world's biggest fight with whoever irritated me at that moment. I sit down, open email and type out what I have always wanted to say, but never did....
And then I hit delete. I pour it all out and when I hit delete, I let it go. I know, deep down, whoever is irritating me at that moment, me telling them will only make my life more complicated. Like my stepkids mom is going to say, "Oh, you know, she is right....I am a fibbing witch!" Um....no. That email...it is for me, not them. It is to get all those things bouncing around in my head OUT. It is to verbalize and see in writing what I am screaming inside. I take a deep breath and I hit delete.
I once had my husband ask me, "Why write it at all?" I told him, "Remember that time your ex-wife called and we were on a 8 hour trip and for 6 hours, I stewed over everything you argued about and I bit your head off every time you asked me a question?" He said, "Yes....." I told him, "That's why...."
The moral to my story....find your outlet. Any time you are carrying a scorecard for someone, chalking up the wrongs they do, it is more work on you than them. Throw it away. Find your outlet and let it go :)
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The great shave debate....
My husband and his ex-wife have had an ongoing debate on shaving. My stepdaughter wants to shave her legs and she doesn't want her mom to show her because mom is known for her histeronics. Mom thinks this is a "mother/daughter" activity. End of story, after many emails and conversations, stepdaughter shaved at our house because that is where she felt more comfortable. She lives there and has a great relationship with dad and I. That is home.
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.
Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!
When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Control
Control is defined as "To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct" (www.freedictionary.com). As a stepmom, this is a mechanism I am constantly in battle with. And I am not alone.
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?
Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.
So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.
What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.
It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.
The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!
Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!
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