Been one of THOSE days....how to let it go....

We all have those days. As a second wife and custodial stepmom and mother to two teenage boys from a previous marriage, my days come often. Whether I am dealing with a crazy ex-wife or filtering through emails I know my kids stepmom wrote, but signed my ex-husband's name....I get those moments...where there is a knot in the back of my neck the size of an orange. My jaw clenches. In my head, I am having the world's biggest fight with whoever irritated me at that moment. I sit down, open email and type out what I have always wanted to say, but never did....

And then I hit delete. I pour it all out and when I hit delete, I let it go. I know, deep down, whoever is irritating me at that moment, me telling them will only make my life more complicated. Like my stepkids mom is going to say, "Oh, you know, she is right....I am a fibbing witch!" Um....no. That email...it is for me, not them. It is to get all those things bouncing around in my head OUT. It is to verbalize and see in writing what I am screaming inside. I take a deep breath and I hit delete.

I once had my husband ask me, "Why write it at all?" I told him, "Remember that time your ex-wife called and we were on a 8 hour trip and for 6 hours, I stewed over everything you argued about and I bit your head off every time you asked me a question?" He said, "Yes....." I told him, "That's why...."

The moral to my story....find your outlet. Any time you are carrying a scorecard for someone, chalking up the wrongs they do, it is more work on you than them. Throw it away. Find your outlet and let it go :)

Marriage is work...don't kids yourself otherwise.

I am going to blow it for all you romantics. There is no happily ever after. There is no magic love that stays there forever, passionate, romantic, intense....It isn't a spell that comes over us and makes us giddy with laughter every day. Birds don't chirp on our windowsills as we sit brushing our shiny golden hair each day. It isn't like that.

Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.

What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)

Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!

Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.

I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.

Hello Monday....Is it Friday yet?

I have had a lot to process this weekend. My stepkids mother has decided she will not be exercising her "extended" visitation this summer. She had been giving them grief over their sports and my husband just said, "Do you not want to get them?" She jumped on it. In fact, she doesn't even want her midweek visit that she normally has. She just wants every other weekend. My husband is making her bring the kids home on Monday morning vs. Sunday night as she isn't exercising her midweek visitation now.

I don't mind, but the problem is that I spend a lot of time on my stepkids, between drama with their mom, counselor appointments, near mental breakdowns when she denies them anything that makes them happy, crying jags over her never coming to their events....I really was looking forward to one-on-one time with my own children. I know it is best for my stepkiddos and I love them dearly. But I was conflicted.

I dealt with it. My wonderful husband and I brainstormed so I didn't have to neglect my own children to help him with his. I was feeling good and ready for the week. I was waiting for the stepkiddos to get there so I could leave for work. They are supposed to be there by 7:40am and I go to work at 8am. Five minutes until 8am....she shows up. I tell the kids to hurry in because I am late for a meeting. They all start telling me their mom wants their yearbooks. (She bought them yearbooks and they came in three weeks before school....she started hounding them to bring them to her house, but they wanted to get signatures so she told them to keep them....now it is drama because they want to keep them where they are 90% of the time and she is insistent they bring them to her house....drama).

I leave and see her swing back around to my house. I am furious. She is not allowed on our property without us there. I call my husband and he calls her and she won't answer. My stepson calls dad and says she was beating on the door and screaming at him (which the neighbors confirm) and he opened the door and threw the books at her and locked the door.

I guess she stood there, demanding he open the door to hug him, but he wouldn't because he was mad too.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself, "Not my ex, not my kids, not my problem".....but every single ounce of me wanted to call the police and charge her with trespassing. I want her accountable for something and the one thing that she does the most (emotionally abandoning her children), there is no law against.....

Is it Friday yet????

What do you talk about in bed?

So, last night, as we were winding down for the evening, my husband and I were chatting about something my oldest stepson had said. For us, it had been a quiet night with my two kiddos, but the stepkids were with their mom, which means a flurry of text messages about the fights, her boyfriend and all the drama over there.

Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"

You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."

So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.

So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.

Checking out....without reprecussions

So my stepkids mother informed us that she "may not be taking her entire summer time" this year. It seems sitting at baseball games and taking kids to sports practice is just not her cup of tea. So this got me thinking....

Why is it that if I, as the custodial parent of my two boys, decided I was simply going to check out....not take them to school, feed them, take care of them, see them....my hind end would be thrown in jail without a second thought for neglect or some other charge. But if a non-custodial parent opts to not "exercise" their parenting time, there are no reprecussions. I mean, if we took her to court, the would not even cut back her visitation unless she agreed to it!


So here we sit, not knowing for sure, so we can't make plans for child care. Here we sit, not knowing, so we can finalize a trip we have planned with friends next month. Here we sit, not knowing for sure, so I can't even correctly go shop for groceries, because shopping for 4 or shopping for 7 are two entirely different things!

I want to thump her upside her over-processed, freaky colored red hair and say, "Sorry about your luck" but the reality is, we don't have that luxury. She doesn't pay support. She is not required to take her visitation. And every excuse she makes is an emotional abuse equivalent of a smack across the face.

And no reprecussions....and don't get me wrong....I will happily support my husband in being 100% their parent. He is the parent and I don't have to "do it" for him. I just provide him support through these times.

Maybe that reprecussion will come one day when the stepkids are older and they want to know why. Maybe it won't be until her final judgement day.

I guess we will just have to see.

Big step last night....

My husband and I are on a two year path of making BM own her own mistakes. It is sometimes not easy because, often, when she is making them, it is the children that lose out. We used to rush to make things right for the kids when she would screw up.

But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.

Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.

No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.

My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.

One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!

Neglect? In the eye of the beholder?

Neglect....such an ugly word. This weekend, I have been reminded of all that is wrong in the world with CPS, DCS or whatever your neck of the woods calls it.

Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.

As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.

They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.

Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.

In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.

How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....

How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....

The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....

What can I control?

Last night, as I sat, listening to the crapola coming out my stepkids mouth (and it was crapola), I felt that familiar feeling creeping in. It is usually a mixture of "Is she serious?" with "I want to shave your head and tatoo FREAK" on your forehead....but last night, something hit me. Something I know. Something I saw to myself and others. But I am not sure I 100% believed it before.

I can't control her. I can only control my reaction to her. And I kept saying that over and over in my head. And suddenly it sank in. And I believed it.

Deep down, I want to believe the normal, level-headed person she used to be might return. I want to believe she cares for the kids more than herself. I want her to put them first, not just in the things she says, but in the things she does....

But she won't. And I can't make her.

So I controlled what I could...me and my reaction to her. I sat there, reciting the words to one of my favorite Robert Frost quote, "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."

And I said NOTHING. I didn't laugh. I didn't sneer. I didn't roll my eyes. There is so much I wanted to say, but what would it accomplish.

And I walked away with something that I will always have...my dignity and my husband's respect.

The great shave debate....

My husband and his ex-wife have had an ongoing debate on shaving. My stepdaughter wants to shave her legs and she doesn't want her mom to show her because mom is known for her histeronics. Mom thinks this is a "mother/daughter" activity. End of story, after many emails and conversations, stepdaughter shaved at our house because that is where she felt more comfortable. She lives there and has a great relationship with dad and I. That is home.

But this brought me to a musing...what defines a "mother" duty and a "father" duty. You see, I have two boys. My boys are with dad two weekends a month and that is it. There have been many "father" moments that I have dealt with. My oldest son came to me when he started having nocturnal emissions (I think that is the technical term...lol!). We talked and moved on. It never occurred to me this was "dad's" job.

Isn't is simply a "parent's" job? I mean, sure, in an ideal world with no divorce, mom and dad are home together and they split the duties. But my husband has custody of his three children and one is a girl. Should he shirk his duties and leave it to mom's next weekend because she thinks it is a "mom" thing? How would that make the child feel? Especially since she sees dad handling 100% of her brother's issues!

When my stepdaughter needed a bra, he did call her mom and ask that she take her. And I have already been alerted that when her monthly "bill" starts coming, I will be the one to help her...lol! But if it is something that his daughter came to him with (and she had ample opportunity to go to mom with it), should it really not be about where the child is most comfortable?

Control

Control is defined as "To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct" (www.freedictionary.com). As a stepmom, this is a mechanism I am constantly in battle with. And I am not alone.

I see my fellow stepmoms struggling with it too. Is it the female dynamic because you don't find this control battle with dad's and stepdad's? Is it the need to be "queen of our domain" and we lump the stepkids into that because they are a part of our husbands?

Today, on a stepmom support group I frequent, I had the opportunity to offer advice to a stepmom on this subject and, from her reaction, she is definitely struggling with this. One of the greatest lessons I learned as stepmother is that I cannot control my stepkids mother. Even more importantly, neither can my husband. #1 - we have no right. #2 - we have no ability. Attempting to do so is just making our own lives miserable.

So something happens in which we feel that the stepkids mother was not right. Say she said something you feel was out of line. Sure, you can "encourage" (my nice word for lean on and force using our powers as the wife) our husband's to make the call. We can stomp our feet and keep talking about it to our husband's until he sees things our way (which, in truth, he doesn't...he just doesn't want to fight with us). And he can make that call. And the stepkids mom will argue she is right, of course. Nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.

Or you can take it to the net and email. And you can both state your cases over and over through an exchange of a dozen emails and it only ends when one person stops responding, which of course is viewed as a defeat when it is just wearing them down! But again...nothing is gained. Nothing is solved.

What did happen? You spent X amount of time talking about the stepkids mother with your husband. And for what? Being right or wrong isn't even the point now...you knew you were right!!! You wanted their mother to know you were right and she is wrong and did that happen? Nope.

It is control. You wanted to influence how she is being a mother or what she is doing and you wanted to be the one who is making those decisions. She is home, not thinking about how right you are. Depending on how she is, she is either laughing at you for having nothing better going on in your life than to try to make hers miserable (her view) or she is making a mental note that she will talk to your stepkids next time she sees them and ask them what happened (best case) or grill them and chastize them (worst case). Or, what I would do as the ex-wife, keep the emails and tuck them away in case we ever go back to court to show a pattern of verbal assaults over what they felt was not right, but was within my discretion to say whatever as their mother and an equal parent to child. I would use it to show the "control" they were trying to exert over me.

The only thing I can truly control is me. The only place I have influence is my home. That realization set me free in so many ways. In a moment of true honesty, our husband's will tell us they don't want to talk to, talk about, think about or mess with their ex-wives and every time we make them, it makes them a little resentful of us. I have mediated a support group of divorced men and this is a commonality through them all. They could care less. They want her to be a part of the kids lives, but not their's!

Letting go of the control and accepting "what is"...the realities...sets you free. Here's to stepmom's everywhere taking back control of their own lives and being happy instead of trying to control someone else!!! It really is about the stepmom being happy when it happens and being happy is truly the best revenge when dealing with a crazy ex-wife!!

Does sex equal love? Why can't we separate it?

We can all play victim. We start as children when we learn to cry on demand to get older sister in trouble. We use those tears for sympathy from boys and then later men. I mean, the whole damsel in distress...most of us have played it at some point.

But, in my road to adulthood, I have learned that when you put two women in a situation and ask them to share, you might as well throw on the gasoline and light a match. Especially if they share a man in common as a either a current or former intimate partner.

Women equate sex and love. Women cannot stand their husband/boyfriend's former lovers. Even if they never met them, they hate them. And they will believe, to the core of their being, that that former lover wants their partner back.

Men, they can be friends and have a common former/current partner in common and it is no big deal. They just don't get that emotional attachment with sex.

I believe this is a huge part of the core of the problems between a mom (who is the ex-wife) and a stepmom (who is the new wife). I know, while my kids soon to be stepmom, knows and sees me happy with my husband, there are times when I see this look that goes before her face and I know what she is thinking. "That tramp slept with my fiance and wants him back." I know because I feel it to at times when I see my husband's ex-wife. I think that accepting those feelings has allowed me to conquer them and beat it. When I feel it, I look at my husband and see that look he has only for me and I focus on that.

As women, we are our own worst enemy because we cannot keep our focus on ourselves. We are always comparing ourselves to other women in what we wear, our hair, our makeup and all other aspects. We are catty about each other's weight and we tear each other down in horrible ways. And those are the women we don't really know or have any attachment to! We tear ourselves down doing.

I think, as a stepmom, I have to focus on what I have, not what she had. And as an ex-wife, I feel like I am walking on eggshells to make sure my ex-husband's fiancee doesn't think I want him....because I don't!!!!

Maybe one day, we can slap each other on the rear-end and have a bear like men :)

Blurring the line between wife and stepmom...

This is a topic that has come up a lot recently in my life. I am dealing with it with my kids future stepmom. As the wedding nears, she wants to make a "family" with my kids and her soon-to-be husband. Great, I am all for that. But at what point do you cross the line?

For example, she is not religious. My ex-husband is no longer practicing, but supports me raising our children in the faith we practiced as a married couple. So when Easter came around this year, it was the kids year to be with dad. In the past, that means I pick them up for church and return them after and then he brings them home. Well, she was unhappy with this. In her family, a big family brunch is the routine and she wanted to start practicing that with the kids. My ex-husband told her that we view it as a religious holiday and he wanted the kids to keep the tradition they have followed since BIRTH. She is unhappy and sulky and it has spiraled since.

I married my husband and I believe that makes me his partner in life. I do not believe that means that I am something that his ex-wife has to accept and deal with. Sure, ideally, she will get along with me and like me and we can co-exist, but if she chooses to pretend I am vapor, that is her choice. Her price may be with her kids down the line, but she has that right to not deal with me at all!

So where is that line....

As a wife, I can decorate my home, cook the foods I want (acknowledging any food allergies, of course), plan the entertainment I want (age appropriate for the stepkids of course), make plans, take pictures, sing songs, tell stories, and simply put...I can be me. I am the lady of the manor. I don't view myself the "mom" of this house for my stepkids. I view myself as the lady of the house. It is a position in which my husband makes my stepkids respect and as a result of the love and affection I have shown, they treat me in a very loving and affectionate way.

But does that mean if I disagree with something my stepkids biological mom does, I should be able to tell her? I mean, I spend time with them, they confide in me...should that not give me a say?

No.

No.

No.

And I see this tug of war between bio moms and stepmoms and the stepmoms use the defense of "she has no choice but to deal with me" and bio moms use the defense of "you are not their mom".

Where does it end....

Ultimately, if it is what is right for the kids, shouldn't we all play nice?

But if we can't, why can't we just operate on the principle we teach our kids...if you can't get along, stay away from each other....

But the stepmom wants to mark her territory, which should only be the husband, but she lumps the kids in with the husband and tries to make them "hers".....

And then the bio mom fights back....

I am happy being "just the wife". I have a great relationship with my stepkids who live with me more than their mom (which is another topic all together that spending more time with the kids do not make you "more their mom" but that is another post another day). They love me and confide in me and I have no desire to rub their bio mom's face in it.

I guess we all need to go back to kindergarten on this one and remember that making someone feel bad does not make us the better person.

I guess we just all need to learn to play nice again....

How do you make someone be a parent?

This past weekend was weekend for our kids to be with their other parents (my ex-husband and my husband's ex-wife). Apparently it was also the weekend for opening our mouths and saying stupid, hurtful stuff!

My ex-husband told my kids to leave their ball clothes there and he would wash them and drop them off Monday morning. Well, he didn't. So they didn't have their uniforms for Monday practice, which meant they had to run because that is the rule. He knows he never remembers this stuff! Why not just send it home dirty and I will take care of it! I always do! But no, his soon-to-be wife is always trying to play mom with them. They are almost teenagers. It isn't like being a stepmom to kids who are little or even stepmom to kids who have a crappy mom. They were so mad at him last night.

But not to be outdone...my stepkids mom....who told her oldest son he is the reason she didn't get to go to college. Now, mind you, you pretty much have to be decided by midway through your senior year if you want to go to college out of high school. He was born 16 months after she graduated. Do the math. Unless you are an elephant, you were not pregnant when you decided not to go to college. AND, even if you were, it isn't the kids fault you got knocked up!

No wonder the kid hates his mom. Everything is his fault!

GRRRRRRR!

A trying stepmom weekend....

This was a difficult weekend to be a stepmom. I have a pretty good relationship with my stepkids mother. HOWEVER, we had vastly different pasts, upbringings, ect. There are times when I have a mouth full of blood from biting my tongue so much. This weekend was one of those times.

My youngest stepson, N, got hurt on Friday. The skids were with their mom for spring break and Easter this year. On Friday, she called and said the skids were staying under the care of her sister while she was at work and N got hurt. So my husband tells her to bring him to us and we will check it out. He has a very deep, jagged gash on his arm. It clearly needs stitches. So she goes back to work and off to the ER we go...

Where N tells the nurse all about what happened. You see, he was playing in the vacant lot next to aunt's house. There was standing water there that came up to his bellybutton. He wanted to get the leaves out of the water and used a rake he found laying around to do so. His eleven year old cousin picked up the rake and THREW IT AT HIM and told him to put it up. It hit his arm and cut it.

Now the million dollar questions....where was aunt during this? Oh, inside...taking a shower! WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me?

My husband calls the ex-wife and tells her, in no uncertain terms, that if her sister is left as sitter again, he will file for supervised visitation. She didn't argue at all...smart move.

So by the time she comes to pick up my stepson, she has talked to her sister who is all "They are just overprotective". Right! And she says, "Well, she is not going to punish the cousin because it was an accident, after all...."

I bit my tongue but when we were alone, I looked at my husband and said, "Are you kidding me?" That child is old enough to know NOT to throw a yard tool at someone. Maybe his intent was not to hurt my stepson, who is all of 6!!! But he did and his action should have a consequence....

The worst part is their mom is living with this sister right now since she is going through a divorce (a whole different story). So their time with mom is with this wonderful aunt too!

I am glad they are home and we don't have to worry about it for a while....

About me....

Every day, someone tells me I should write my life down. It is a crazy life. I am a mom of two boys and a stepmom to two boys and a girl. I am a wife. I am an ex-wife. I am a daughter, sister and friend. At the end of the day, I am TIRED :)



So for the past few years, I started journaling. But after a lot of begging (lol!), I have decided to start blogging. I figure, if my life's trials and tribulations can be of help to one person, maybe, just maybe, it is all worth it.



I will post my life, my recipes (cooking is my most favorite thing to do), my successes and failures....who knows, maybe it isn't as interesting as everyone thinks...maybe they are just kissing my butt :)



About me...I am 35. Like I said, I am happily married to my best friend, my husband D. I have two boys from my first marriage that make my world go round....and I got three pretty great stepkids as wedding gifts...lol! My five kids keep me pretty busy.