We all have those days. As a second wife and custodial stepmom and mother to two teenage boys from a previous marriage, my days come often. Whether I am dealing with a crazy ex-wife or filtering through emails I know my kids stepmom wrote, but signed my ex-husband's name....I get those moments...where there is a knot in the back of my neck the size of an orange. My jaw clenches. In my head, I am having the world's biggest fight with whoever irritated me at that moment. I sit down, open email and type out what I have always wanted to say, but never did....
And then I hit delete. I pour it all out and when I hit delete, I let it go. I know, deep down, whoever is irritating me at that moment, me telling them will only make my life more complicated. Like my stepkids mom is going to say, "Oh, you know, she is right....I am a fibbing witch!" Um....no. That email...it is for me, not them. It is to get all those things bouncing around in my head OUT. It is to verbalize and see in writing what I am screaming inside. I take a deep breath and I hit delete.
I once had my husband ask me, "Why write it at all?" I told him, "Remember that time your ex-wife called and we were on a 8 hour trip and for 6 hours, I stewed over everything you argued about and I bit your head off every time you asked me a question?" He said, "Yes....." I told him, "That's why...."
The moral to my story....find your outlet. Any time you are carrying a scorecard for someone, chalking up the wrongs they do, it is more work on you than them. Throw it away. Find your outlet and let it go :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Marriage is work...don't kids yourself otherwise.
I am going to blow it for all you romantics. There is no happily ever after. There is no magic love that stays there forever, passionate, romantic, intense....It isn't a spell that comes over us and makes us giddy with laughter every day. Birds don't chirp on our windowsills as we sit brushing our shiny golden hair each day. It isn't like that.
Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.
What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)
Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!
Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.
I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.
Marriage is work. We work at it every single day. If you are not willing to work, don't get married. Some days, it is your day to be the strength. You are the one that stays calm and pulls it all together. Some days, you may be the workhorse...plugging along, going through the motions to keep everything in place. Some days you are the lazy one...floating through your day with ease. Some days are romantic, with a note in your lunch from your special someone. Some days, you are lucky if they even notice the color of your shirt, much less that you took extra care to put on your lipgloss.
What is romance anyway? When we first married, the flowers, the poems he used to write, stopping by my work for a kiss....it was so new and exciting. Every time we were intimate, I just fell more in love with him. Now, six years later, instead of five small children in our blended family, we are three teens, one preteen and an 8 year old. Big difference. Romantic to me now is rubbing my feet as I doze off watching the St. Louis Cardinals on TV. Romantic to me now is getting up and seeing that when he packed his lunch this morning, he made one for me too! Romantic for me is when I walk in the room and he looks up and says, "Did you do something with your hair?" and I walk away chuckling because the "different" thing....I brushed it :)
Marriage is a job. Some days it is easier than other and some days, you want to quit. I have a niece who is 19 and pregnant. She said to me, "I think the best thing we can do for the baby is get married." I said,, "I think the best thing you can do is not get married, finish your education and, if in two years, you are still together and "in love", get married then and include your baby in the ceremony." What I left out was the obvious fact that her baby's daddy is a 18 year old high school dropout who has had more jobs in the last year than I have had in my 15 year work history and the odds he will even still be AROUND in two years, well, let's just say that$100Million lottery has better odds!
Because....a guy who can't make his job at the pizzaria last more than a month because it was "too hard"....marriage is harder.
I don't mean this as a downer post, because, when you put in the work, it is wonderful. My husband is my best friend. He is my greatest ally. He is my biggest cheerleader. He is the person who can make me smile with a word and a person who can still make my toes tingle with a kiss. It is worth the work you put in...well worth it.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Hello Monday....Is it Friday yet?
I have had a lot to process this weekend. My stepkids mother has decided she will not be exercising her "extended" visitation this summer. She had been giving them grief over their sports and my husband just said, "Do you not want to get them?" She jumped on it. In fact, she doesn't even want her midweek visit that she normally has. She just wants every other weekend. My husband is making her bring the kids home on Monday morning vs. Sunday night as she isn't exercising her midweek visitation now.
I don't mind, but the problem is that I spend a lot of time on my stepkids, between drama with their mom, counselor appointments, near mental breakdowns when she denies them anything that makes them happy, crying jags over her never coming to their events....I really was looking forward to one-on-one time with my own children. I know it is best for my stepkiddos and I love them dearly. But I was conflicted.
I dealt with it. My wonderful husband and I brainstormed so I didn't have to neglect my own children to help him with his. I was feeling good and ready for the week. I was waiting for the stepkiddos to get there so I could leave for work. They are supposed to be there by 7:40am and I go to work at 8am. Five minutes until 8am....she shows up. I tell the kids to hurry in because I am late for a meeting. They all start telling me their mom wants their yearbooks. (She bought them yearbooks and they came in three weeks before school....she started hounding them to bring them to her house, but they wanted to get signatures so she told them to keep them....now it is drama because they want to keep them where they are 90% of the time and she is insistent they bring them to her house....drama).
I leave and see her swing back around to my house. I am furious. She is not allowed on our property without us there. I call my husband and he calls her and she won't answer. My stepson calls dad and says she was beating on the door and screaming at him (which the neighbors confirm) and he opened the door and threw the books at her and locked the door.
I guess she stood there, demanding he open the door to hug him, but he wouldn't because he was mad too.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself, "Not my ex, not my kids, not my problem".....but every single ounce of me wanted to call the police and charge her with trespassing. I want her accountable for something and the one thing that she does the most (emotionally abandoning her children), there is no law against.....
Is it Friday yet????
I don't mind, but the problem is that I spend a lot of time on my stepkids, between drama with their mom, counselor appointments, near mental breakdowns when she denies them anything that makes them happy, crying jags over her never coming to their events....I really was looking forward to one-on-one time with my own children. I know it is best for my stepkiddos and I love them dearly. But I was conflicted.
I dealt with it. My wonderful husband and I brainstormed so I didn't have to neglect my own children to help him with his. I was feeling good and ready for the week. I was waiting for the stepkiddos to get there so I could leave for work. They are supposed to be there by 7:40am and I go to work at 8am. Five minutes until 8am....she shows up. I tell the kids to hurry in because I am late for a meeting. They all start telling me their mom wants their yearbooks. (She bought them yearbooks and they came in three weeks before school....she started hounding them to bring them to her house, but they wanted to get signatures so she told them to keep them....now it is drama because they want to keep them where they are 90% of the time and she is insistent they bring them to her house....drama).
I leave and see her swing back around to my house. I am furious. She is not allowed on our property without us there. I call my husband and he calls her and she won't answer. My stepson calls dad and says she was beating on the door and screaming at him (which the neighbors confirm) and he opened the door and threw the books at her and locked the door.
I guess she stood there, demanding he open the door to hug him, but he wouldn't because he was mad too.
I took a deep breath and reminded myself, "Not my ex, not my kids, not my problem".....but every single ounce of me wanted to call the police and charge her with trespassing. I want her accountable for something and the one thing that she does the most (emotionally abandoning her children), there is no law against.....
Is it Friday yet????
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
What do you talk about in bed?
So, last night, as we were winding down for the evening, my husband and I were chatting about something my oldest stepson had said. For us, it had been a quiet night with my two kiddos, but the stepkids were with their mom, which means a flurry of text messages about the fights, her boyfriend and all the drama over there.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Anyway, as we started to talk about it, I subconsciously got out of bed and as I was standing there, I brought up their mom's name. My husband laughed and said, "Do you realize you still do that?"
You see, our bed was made a ex-wife free zone about five years ago. I was in my "obsession" phase and we had this "incident". You see, my husband is getting all frisky and nibbling on my ear and I start venting about something his ex-wife did. He stops, gets up and says, "THAT is a mood killer."
So we made our bed a place where it is just about us. She is not allowed in our bed. And by doing that, I realized that while I was a "newbie" to her drama and tricks, he was not and he did NOT want to rehash everything she did.
So I ask you this: What do you talk about in bed? Start today making your bed a "No ex-wife or skids mother free zone". I guarantee it will improve your sleep and intimate relationship with your husband.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Checking out....without reprecussions
So my stepkids mother informed us that she "may not be taking her entire summer time" this year. It seems sitting at baseball games and taking kids to sports practice is just not her cup of tea. So this got me thinking....
Why is it that if I, as the custodial parent of my two boys, decided I was simply going to check out....not take them to school, feed them, take care of them, see them....my hind end would be thrown in jail without a second thought for neglect or some other charge. But if a non-custodial parent opts to not "exercise" their parenting time, there are no reprecussions. I mean, if we took her to court, the would not even cut back her visitation unless she agreed to it!
So here we sit, not knowing for sure, so we can't make plans for child care. Here we sit, not knowing, so we can finalize a trip we have planned with friends next month. Here we sit, not knowing for sure, so I can't even correctly go shop for groceries, because shopping for 4 or shopping for 7 are two entirely different things!
I want to thump her upside her over-processed, freaky colored red hair and say, "Sorry about your luck" but the reality is, we don't have that luxury. She doesn't pay support. She is not required to take her visitation. And every excuse she makes is an emotional abuse equivalent of a smack across the face.
And no reprecussions....and don't get me wrong....I will happily support my husband in being 100% their parent. He is the parent and I don't have to "do it" for him. I just provide him support through these times.
Maybe that reprecussion will come one day when the stepkids are older and they want to know why. Maybe it won't be until her final judgement day.
I guess we will just have to see.
Why is it that if I, as the custodial parent of my two boys, decided I was simply going to check out....not take them to school, feed them, take care of them, see them....my hind end would be thrown in jail without a second thought for neglect or some other charge. But if a non-custodial parent opts to not "exercise" their parenting time, there are no reprecussions. I mean, if we took her to court, the would not even cut back her visitation unless she agreed to it!
So here we sit, not knowing for sure, so we can't make plans for child care. Here we sit, not knowing, so we can finalize a trip we have planned with friends next month. Here we sit, not knowing for sure, so I can't even correctly go shop for groceries, because shopping for 4 or shopping for 7 are two entirely different things!
I want to thump her upside her over-processed, freaky colored red hair and say, "Sorry about your luck" but the reality is, we don't have that luxury. She doesn't pay support. She is not required to take her visitation. And every excuse she makes is an emotional abuse equivalent of a smack across the face.
And no reprecussions....and don't get me wrong....I will happily support my husband in being 100% their parent. He is the parent and I don't have to "do it" for him. I just provide him support through these times.
Maybe that reprecussion will come one day when the stepkids are older and they want to know why. Maybe it won't be until her final judgement day.
I guess we will just have to see.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Big step last night....
My husband and I are on a two year path of making BM own her own mistakes. It is sometimes not easy because, often, when she is making them, it is the children that lose out. We used to rush to make things right for the kids when she would screw up.
But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.
Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.
No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.
My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.
One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!
But now....we just let her fail. We don't set her up to fail, but when it happens, we don't jump to bail her out.
Case in point....last night. Tuesday nights are her mid-week visitation. Youngest stepson had a game at 7:30. Oldest stepson had a practice from 6pm-8pm. My husband offered to take youngest stepson to his game and she could meet them there after picking up oldest stepson.
No response so he figured she had gotten her boyfriend or sister to pick up up oldest stepson. No...her plan was to leave youngest stepson at the game because she ASSUMED my husband would be there. Except he wasn't...when she didn't need his help (or so he thought since she didn't communicate with him), he told youngest stepson he would not be at his game (the first he has missed all season) because he needed to work on my van. When she found out, she was livid. She, who has missed the majority of the stepkids games and events this year, accused my husband of being a bad father for missing ONE game.
My husband told her he would call oldest stepson's coach and see if he could drop him at our house after practice and she could pick him up on the way home after youngest son's ball game. No, that is not good enough. She DEMANDED that my husband come to youngest son's game. My husband stood his ground. Even though a reasonable solution had been offered....it was not the solution SHE wanted.
One would think, after so many trips around this block, she would learn and start communicating. BUT NO. We travel this path so often, it almost feels like deja vu!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Neglect? In the eye of the beholder?
Neglect....such an ugly word. This weekend, I have been reminded of all that is wrong in the world with CPS, DCS or whatever your neck of the woods calls it.
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
Friday night, my husband received text after text from my oldest stepson, begging him to pick him up from Walmart, of all places. It is almost 10pm and they are at Walmart??? She picked them up at 5:30pm and went directly to some stupid play her nephew was in and then spent time with her sister and sister's family. So going home, at 10pm, she decided it was time to go Walmart'ing.
As he is texting, apparently his mother is yanking my youngest stepson, who is ADHD, around by his arm, cursing him through her clenched teeth. We are getting play by play from my twelve year old stepson, who is begging my husband with each text to come save him from this wicked woman he calls Mommy.
They finally get home around 11pm and my husband tells my stepson to go to bed and the morning will be better. You can hear the pleas in the texts for my husband to step in, but we know, truthfully, it will only infuriate her more so all he can do is listen and encourage my stepson to find a way to self-soothe through this pain.
Stepson calls husband, whispering into the phone. He is not allowed to take a shower tonight. His mother said no. He is nasty, sweaty from baseball practice hours ago and she says it is too late for a shower. My husband tells him to listen to his mother and go to bed.
In my head, my reasonable, mothering side is saying, "How is that not neglect????" Bathing is a necessity, right? Not unless it is a pattern over a period of months is it neglect.
How can grabbing a child by the arm and leaving marks not be neglect or abuse???? Unless it is a pattern over a period of time...even then, worse case scenario, she will get "censured" by the agency. And be allowed to "right her wrongs".....
How is it okay to keep a child out until 11pm, even if it is Friday???? I know, I know...pattern over time....
The kids....well, they are resilient...which is true. My head tells me that they will survive this woman. My heart keeps seeing the text, "Dad...plz come git me...i hate her cuz she is mean to me...why do u make me come here cuz she dosnt want us here" over and over and wishing she would fall into a hole somewhere....
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